stories

The thought occurs that, in four posts, I’ve yet to really tell a story about where I live; this pattern looks to continue a little longer, as I’m not about to tell one now. This is about London, which, to be fair, is where I was born – but London is massive so that’s not really saying much either.

ANYWAY. I have a friend called Stu, who happens to know a rather excellent and well-renowned British illustrator called Jon Burgerman, who happened to have submitted something for The Vader Project, an exhibition of customised Darth Vader helmets on display at the Star Wars 30th Anniversay Celebration last weekend, and, as it happened, couldn’t attend (check out my three-hit happen-derivative combo! BISH BASH BOSH). So he gave Stu his free tickets. So Stu and his friend Whisk and I went to London, to gawp at Star Wars stuff.

Perhaps you would like to see some photographs?

The rest of the show was essentially a massive toy fair/autograph opportunity; we did not take advantage of the latter, as you had to queue for ages, and then pay for the autographs. It would’ve been nice to meet Anthony Daniels and/or had the opportunity to smack George Lucas with a rolled-up newspaper, naughty wee pup so he is, but not for money. OK, I probably would pay money to smack George Lucas with a rolled-up newspaper, but I was on a tight budget and driving from Nottingham to London costs a lot in petrol.

Also, cosplayers! I normally regard these people with a degree of suspicion – one not entirely allayed by the numerous Fat Leias kicking about the exhibition centre – but seeing entire squads of Imperial Stormtroopers marching around in formation, occassionally popping outside for a smoke, was magic. Hordes of young children in Jedi costumes, chasing each other around with plastic lightsabers, shouting and battling Just Like In That Bit In The Film. Twi’lek slave girls queuing up for noodles next to Mandalorians and maybe a couple of Sith Lords. No Elvis Trooper, sadly, but I guess he doesn’t travel outside the US much.

STAR WARS

I’m going to take a moment to talk about a friend of mine, who we’ll call Johnny (because his parents did)

Johnny’s at university now, so neither I nor my York-bound buddies see much of him, but even before he went off he was the kind of guy who’d drop off everyone’s social radar for months at a time, only to re-emerge for a week or so with some terrifying new device to show off. You see, Johnny likes building machines, and Johnny likes to see what kind of trouble he can cause with household or otherwise easily obtained materials, so Johnny builds a lot of weapons. In his shed. Just for laughs.

His personal armoury, to the best of my recollection, includes: three air cannons, one of which is capable of driving a carrot through a wooden fence at a distance of several feet; a flamethrower that he built for a mutual friend; a jet engine (“it doesn’t get a lot of thrust but it is quite pretty,” he says) and, terrifyingly, a microwave cannon. I saw him down the pub on Saturday after finishing my shift (he was back in York for the Easter holidays; I think he’s probably gone back now) and he told me that he’s banned from one of the labs at university after a professor caught him amidst some potentially terrifying experiments with lasers (I’d had an amount to drink, but he was saying something about using electromagenetic fields to somehow intensify commercially-available laser pointers? I forget). He said something about modifying a nailgun at one point, I think, to increase its range and accuracy.

He’s a laugh and a half and generally polite and friendly but holy shit I am glad we are not enemies.

In an effort to do new and productive things with my free time, I’ve decided to pursue some hobbies. Grad school doesn’t allow for a lot of leisure hours, but summer rapidly approaches and anything has to be better than what I do now. (“What I do now” is obsess over unrequited love. I’m good times!)

So, here’s what’s on the docket:

1) Playing my guitar. I took guitar lessons for a while when I lived in New York. I could play something that kind of sounded like a sloppy version of Positively Fourth Street by Bob Dylan. I haven’t actually picked up my guitar in over a year, but am hoping it will all come rushing back to me. I would also like to learn how to read tabs. They confound me.

2) Running. I’m lazy. No joke, I’m really lazy. I’m also out of shape. I get winded carrying in my groceries from the car. I’ve never been an athlete. When I was in 7th grade, I played on a basketball team and only scored one basket and one foul shot all season. At the end of the year, I got Most Improved Player. That is sad. To rectify this sorry state of affairs, I have decided to train for a marathon. I bought two books on the subject and am going to develop an awesome training plan. I tell you this now, so that I can’t back out of it later. I need external motivation. I may also need some massages.

3) ?????? There’s room for something here, but I don’t know what it is. I am taking all feedback and suggestions. Sure, many of you don’t know me, but that may lead some exciting new adventure on my part. In exchange, I will send you plenty of suggestions for things you can do with your life. And, go!

Sometimes, words are not enough.
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I have never so thoroughly needed a button-maker.

(Creators: Clara, Chris, Patrick, Emily, Roman, Jesse, Turing, Drew, and myself.)

As a bit more background, I work for a ticketing agency that is wholly owned by an arts venue.

For some reason, the management of this venue feel an urge to hold quarterly meetings of the whole organisation (mostly, they happen so the Marketing department can continue to justify their existence).

In 2002, myself and the 2 other members of the IT department had a mild obsession with the Upright Citizens Brigade (particularly the finale of season one) and an overwhelming desire to not attend these meetings.

Enter Tuvok.

With the Tuvok action figure, we could safely send 2 people to the meetings, yet semi-truthfully say 3 members of the IT team were there.

In the intervening time, the other 2 have left and others have come in, but Tuvok has maintained his record of perfect meeting attendance, something that nobody else in the IT department can boast.

Being an office drone, small distractions such as this are what make life tolerable.

I just don’t know what will happen when Tuvok finds his way home.

Hello everyone. I’d like to start by saying that I’m quite pleased to be invited to participate in this project and hope we’ll all be life-long internet best friends.

I’m Jess’ friend, Rachel. Jess and I lived together in AmeriCorps and we spent absurd amounts of time together in New York City.

Now I live in Ypsilanti, Michigan. I’m getting my M.A. in Children’s Lit (No, I don’t want to teach or write children’s books. I just needed something to do for two years) and I teach Writing Composition at Eastern Michigan University. Despite the fact that I teach writing and grade papers I still have no idea where to place a comma. Don’t tell my students.

I live in an apartment with paper thin walls. My neighbor recently got a new girlfriend and I can hear their wild, monkey-sex goings on at top volume. I’m impressed with his stamina.

None of that was terribly interesting, but I bet this is: My face is on a thong! So for just $9.99, you can have my head buried in your crotch any time of day or night. That’s a bargain, people. (Normally you’d have to buy me dinner first.)

Happy blogging!

Tonight, I had to search through the DMG to buy glamered Elven chain and a Python rod for my tenth-level Changeling Beguiler. I also bought a miniature Bronze Griffon that will serve as an aerial mount when I need to escape and a baleful polymorph when I need some combat assistance. My boyfriend is on the phone with my oldest friend discussing feats.

If you understood that paragraph, I’m sorry. This is not something I have done before, but it is something I am doing with a vigor that, frankly, frightens me.

My name is Jess and I am discovering that I like D&D.